F.O.

I’m determined not to sleep sad, frustrated, pissed, over analyzing why you did just what you did. I can’t seem to to find my keys so I for the nth time I’m settling with this. Writing. Stabbing my keyboard with my big hands which will never get a hold of you. I’m okay Ralph, really, I was. For the longest time I could not be bothered by you anymore. For months now, I have conveniently lived my life in a monotonous, routinary boring way but unappalled by you. Sure you we were not completely out of the picture but you weren’t the picture anymore. No one is, and I like that, I was contented with that. I have fully accepted that you are someone I will keep in memory, some of the people I will fight the hardest just in case in the future I suffer from memory loss. I’m determined like that but it will stay there, just liek that. You will stay like that, a memory. Yes there FB chat, rare SMS exchange, unrequied GMs from both sides but that was it. The power of those mediums between you and me has ended in the same way analog phones, telegrams, B&W- Dial TV has exited the lives of mankind and crept themselves in Museums where people who would want to live the past would visit. You were like that to me Ralph, Everytime I thought about you after the gradual, painful, unsaid untying of whatever it was between us, was a deliberate effort. And that was good because I only remember the good times and didn’t hurt. I have succesfully brought back my senses, my heart finally caught up with my brain, that is. But one phone call from a number that I don’t recognize crumbled my wall I carefully built with all the pieces I’ve picked up when you left and never came back. And I wonder, why would do that? Why would you take pleasure in hearing me like that? I hope you are happy with what you did. I hope you were happy looking at your phone with my name calling and pick it up, I hope you find extreme joy in answering but pretending to ask who I’m looking for. I wish that you experianced Cloud 9 by telling that you are in the same city as I am but you didn’t come to see me. Thank you for that. Now, you can leave and don’t come back. Not even with a phone call. Bullshit.

Yes, I have a chronic disease of shutting down on people. Of shutting them down. Paralyzing every possible neuron that would try to understand or tolerate after I said my piece. And that's wrong. This has to change. BLAH! *pissed big time*

miss-es. :D

I miss a LOOOOTTT of people right now. Or more likely the past few months. :D And one of them is:

Mamey Christine Querubin. I just finished reading the entries from her blog. I left out 2 or 3 entries for the time that I should be reading it at my most comfortable and relax state. :P I just miss the many times Tinee and I would have the deepest of conversations ever. And this conversation would be start out sooo random, about this new movie, about what this known person said about this and that, about the new issue in the administration, about this cute little notebook thats he saw online and these could be anywhere. In the kiosks near SACSI office, MassComm RTV, Consejo, college garden, backfield, their place, anywhereee!! :D I just miss those. :D It's amazing how when we reach at that point of the conversation, I feel like I'm entering into a whole new realm of philosophies, emotions and dreams of Mamey. She is one of the most intelligent people I know. Both street and book and now yes, the new media. :P I knew from a friend that the interview for those who are applying for Valedictorian and Salutatorian would be later when the sun arises. I really hope Mamey would ace the interview, I know she will. :D Godbless mey! Love you! :D

And oh also! Whether she likes it or not. SHE will always be my first drinking buddy. :D I miss our weekdays no fail beer induced nights mey! :D

i feel...

If someone will ask me now(3:43 am, feb 2, 2011) how am i. I'd be totally honest and tell that person that really.. I'm both happy and sad. That sometimes I get to think that I could be slightly crazy, yes. For the past months, I have been all over my left and right chambers, cerebral complex and involuntary muscles and things in my body that I really have no business talking about. One moment, I'm laughing like it's the laugh I'll ever have to laugh and when I'm alone thinking that I'm enjoying my me-time when somethings like a song, a phrase, a text and chat messages, a whole lot of things that meant nothing before suddenly hits me home. And there goes the nerve that will send the signal to every lobe of my body to break down and cry. For quite a time, when this crazy set-up was beginning I thought that it's okay. I thought this was something I should go through because many years ago I resolved to not deny myself into feeling or experiencing something, I won't deny myself of the pain or happiness, no more suppression or delay of emotions coz neither makes the situation better only worse which locks you and make you feel like you're doomed to be there, like there's no escaping hell.

And I don't want this anymore. I want to stop this lethal phase because it's literally eating up me and the things I stood for before. There's nothing more in the world ( aside from graduating, of course) that i want now. I wanna stop feeling, feeling anything. If that means i have to stop being genuinely happy then fine. I'm soooo willing to forgo all the genuineness of my laughter, smile, and all the other manifestations of being happy. SERIOUSLY. I'm too tired feeling, i wanna go back to my old self. I wanna feel nothing to anyone. I wanna stop feeling kilig, tampo, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! I just wanna stop and leave everything. i wanna be numb again, I wanna go baack to the kaye I knew had no trouble dealing with. I wanna have that over towering walls again. I need to rebuild my defenses so that there'll be no humpy dumpy or king's horses and men to make it across. I wanna have that instinct that every time I feel anything for anyone I subject to being null, void and absofuckinglutely funny and easily dispiensible. I have that kaye again. I wanna be the you i loved despite being everything that I wanna be now. i really wanna be like you.

COPA AZUL!

Okay, so now I'm broke!!! HAHAHA! It's Tueaday and allowance was given last Sunady and I'm already broke. :D Uhm, I wouldn't even run down the things I bought which I know are necessary (because father would most likely disagree) that drained my wallet. HHEHE! :D And since I already stated that my entry would be about COPA AZUL, we have to be consistent and able to tie things up without discussing unnecessary ones.


BROKE-ME-joining Copa Azul- Reg fee - contribution of 120. D: However am I gonna come up with that amount today!? I think I only have 27 pesos in my wallet and I'd like to believe so because if it's any less? I might as well go home and sleep and think of another excuse or alibi or reason(this is more logical statement so I'd go for this). So yes, reasonSSS to ask for extra money to last me till the weekend. HAH! I've already devised opening statements to tell Papa but.. uh-oh! I feel guilty and it might not work. HEHE!

Anywaayyyy, so I've been wanting to play soccer since Atfest ended and then there was this Rexona Cup which I wasn't able to join because I have to be home for the Christmas Break, a part of me was happy because I didn't have to brave and kick and run and breathe and most of all scratch my entire body because of the scorching sun anddd.... I didn't have to deal with statements like "Ohhhh.. you got tanned!" and "ni-itom kagi ka?!" anddd "hoi! negra!" anddd "I didn't have to ask myself "KIrara?" but still! I love playing soccer, so I've realized it when I ended my teen years. So what? Nothing's too late for something you're passionate about right? RIGHT kayers!!! No shoe of hands for those disagreeing? NO! Okay. Let my blabber proceed. HAH!

I can't say much about COPA AZUL except from what little knowledge I have, It's a soccer league sponsored by the Ateneo Futbol Varsity and now on its second or third year, it has opened its gates for the women! Don't we just love that?! YES WE DO and so the SLA team of Atfest are joining. Sadly, some sisters won't be able to join coz they have loads to do for school. same here (thesis, docu for philo, comm plan for PR, 5 case studies for ethics, we still dunno what for MEDIA MANAGEMENT) BUT since we're suckers for soccer, we are pushing through with this and we'rte kicking balls again!!! Okayyy, I know that your eardrums are bleeding now for my excessive use of exclamatory and capital letters, but man!! I just can't hide my excitement! Gotta clean those spikes soon! :D and imma post photos of us during Atfest to give you a glimpse. And now that's the ring for my RS Class, the most boring and non-sense class today with mr. Flores who laughs at his own jokes and thinks he's a good public speaker! What the?!?!?! I hope this fulfills my happy antry promise. More to come soon! :D


'

blog

Structural relationships of music and images in music video

Alf Björnberg (1994).



Popular Music, Volume 13,


Issue 01, January 1994 pp 51-74



http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?aid=2640060

a happy entry soon! :D

will post a happy entry soon. i just realized that I only blog when I'm pouring things that usually can't say even to the people i'm most confortable with and that's soo unfair and that'll make me look like a really really sad person when I'm not. Okay, I'm both sad and happy but I'm too blessed with great friends and a loving family to delve on all the negativity that tries surrounds me. hahhaa! that is why, i'm promising that I'll try to post happy entries soon! I hope we're all pushing for COPA AZUl I really wanted to play football again for so long. :D FUTBOL my love!!!

Today I cried. I cried because Jeco and I fought again. About something we always used to have a row about. He used my toiletries when I more than a thousand times more than clearly stated, reminded and told him that I don't want anyone using my toiletries. Facial wash I would forgo, toothpaste fine, shampoo okay but MAN! MAN! My soap?? Okay I know that soap have this substance that makes them clean no matter what and how they look like. It was something Arlyn told me years before. (She was a Medtech student and I was Freshman in nursing and now she's working as a MedTech and now I'm dying to finally get my Diploma from MAssCOm.) 15 more minutes into my shouting and telling Jeco stuff that I know would him. He finally threw things. And I really couldn't be bothered except for when he threw his lotion it hit me and I got hurt and threw it back and he almost punched me and then I cried when he left for school. See, this is a very typical scenario of me and my brother and a bigger part of me believes that this is okay because we are growing up and soon very very soon I hope I won't have to put up with all his imbecile, inutile, nincompoop way of life (okay I know this isn't a very sisterly way of describing him but I loovvveeee him to bones even when more than these will happen). Anyway, when I was already crying I realized I wasn't crying because I got a bruise on my knee anymore. I cried when suddenly it hit me in the middle of my suppressed sobs and overwhelming hurt I was crying because I have to pretend that you and I never happened. Because everyday is a struggle that I have to overcome that those months, those messages, those verbal volleyball, all those didn't matter. When the truth is, for so long it mattered to me when it never mattered to you. For so long I hoped that you'll realize it was something. For so long I waited for you to finally come to terms that we could be. And after all those waiting, whining and forgetting I've moved on. And realized that we could never be but this is only me. I need you to tell me that we never happened, that we never could be, that what we are now, where we are now is where we were headed ever since that first night you said you'd never forget this.

rrr.

So this is how it feels. This is how it feels like to be wanting, needing and missing someone and not being able to tell the person.

late, i know

Dear Francis,

I miss you. I miss the kitikitext days, weeks and months. When we never ran out of things to tell each other even if we knew how routinary our lives were then. I miss you. I miss laughing alone in front of my friends because in the middle of our exchange of texts you blurted out something funny, because you told me something you did that was totally hilarious, because you’re being an asshole or just because. I miss you Francis, I never thought missing someone this much could be possible or could happen to me with you. I miss you. I miss not sleeping till the last energy of my body knocks down because we spent the whole day texting, I miss sleeping thru our exchange, I miss you calling me out on a “K.O.” coz I slept on you while texting. I miss you. I miss worrying whether or not to load. I miss the tingles you send thru my spine when out of the blue you say something that is soo un-you which by the way swept me off my feet, held me breathless for a couple of seconds, held me still in the middle of nowhere. I miss you badly and I know this wouldn’t change a thing. This wouldn’t change how we are now. I don’t know what exactly did we have. Or did we ever have something that we can call was ours alone that time or I’m hoping, wishing and prayng till now. I know that even if you read this now, you will laugh this off. I know because you asked me several times before and the coward that I was could never bring out the words, the coward took over and confronted you with he Liz who only wanted to get away from that conversation and I’m sorry. I’m sorry coz I never told you how I really felt or I was too late to realize that I have fallen for for you. I was too afraid. Too afraid that you didn’t feel the same. Too afraid that everything was a joke to you, as always. That I was a joke to you. And now I guess I don’t really care. And now I wish that you knew. I wish that between those months of constant communication it crossed your mind that you are special to me and that I love you. I hope you hold on to that guess. Coz it’s true. I love you Francis and I know you will laugh on this. I wish you realize that I felt that way between those months. Hello, you’re the only one I allowed to call me by my second name. You’re the only one I spent hours and hours texting with. To the extent that I even volunteered to be your “karamay” during your insomniac nights. And you actually know how much of a sucker am I in sleeping. You even called “sleep queen”. I miss you calling me out on names I never knew existed. I miss you trying to piss me off. I miss you Francis. I miss being called “Liz”. I miss the “muah”. I love you and I don’t know if you feel or felt the same or if you ever felt something for me. I miss you and this is the best and worst feeling I felt for the past months. I miss you, I miss being happy because of you. Because I know you’re there. And I know it’s not the same anymore but I still wish you would know. I love you Francis.

Liz