i feel...

If someone will ask me now(3:43 am, feb 2, 2011) how am i. I'd be totally honest and tell that person that really.. I'm both happy and sad. That sometimes I get to think that I could be slightly crazy, yes. For the past months, I have been all over my left and right chambers, cerebral complex and involuntary muscles and things in my body that I really have no business talking about. One moment, I'm laughing like it's the laugh I'll ever have to laugh and when I'm alone thinking that I'm enjoying my me-time when somethings like a song, a phrase, a text and chat messages, a whole lot of things that meant nothing before suddenly hits me home. And there goes the nerve that will send the signal to every lobe of my body to break down and cry. For quite a time, when this crazy set-up was beginning I thought that it's okay. I thought this was something I should go through because many years ago I resolved to not deny myself into feeling or experiencing something, I won't deny myself of the pain or happiness, no more suppression or delay of emotions coz neither makes the situation better only worse which locks you and make you feel like you're doomed to be there, like there's no escaping hell.

And I don't want this anymore. I want to stop this lethal phase because it's literally eating up me and the things I stood for before. There's nothing more in the world ( aside from graduating, of course) that i want now. I wanna stop feeling, feeling anything. If that means i have to stop being genuinely happy then fine. I'm soooo willing to forgo all the genuineness of my laughter, smile, and all the other manifestations of being happy. SERIOUSLY. I'm too tired feeling, i wanna go back to my old self. I wanna feel nothing to anyone. I wanna stop feeling kilig, tampo, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! I just wanna stop and leave everything. i wanna be numb again, I wanna go baack to the kaye I knew had no trouble dealing with. I wanna have that over towering walls again. I need to rebuild my defenses so that there'll be no humpy dumpy or king's horses and men to make it across. I wanna have that instinct that every time I feel anything for anyone I subject to being null, void and absofuckinglutely funny and easily dispiensible. I have that kaye again. I wanna be the you i loved despite being everything that I wanna be now. i really wanna be like you.