late, i know

Dear Francis,

I miss you. I miss the kitikitext days, weeks and months. When we never ran out of things to tell each other even if we knew how routinary our lives were then. I miss you. I miss laughing alone in front of my friends because in the middle of our exchange of texts you blurted out something funny, because you told me something you did that was totally hilarious, because you’re being an asshole or just because. I miss you Francis, I never thought missing someone this much could be possible or could happen to me with you. I miss you. I miss not sleeping till the last energy of my body knocks down because we spent the whole day texting, I miss sleeping thru our exchange, I miss you calling me out on a “K.O.” coz I slept on you while texting. I miss you. I miss worrying whether or not to load. I miss the tingles you send thru my spine when out of the blue you say something that is soo un-you which by the way swept me off my feet, held me breathless for a couple of seconds, held me still in the middle of nowhere. I miss you badly and I know this wouldn’t change a thing. This wouldn’t change how we are now. I don’t know what exactly did we have. Or did we ever have something that we can call was ours alone that time or I’m hoping, wishing and prayng till now. I know that even if you read this now, you will laugh this off. I know because you asked me several times before and the coward that I was could never bring out the words, the coward took over and confronted you with he Liz who only wanted to get away from that conversation and I’m sorry. I’m sorry coz I never told you how I really felt or I was too late to realize that I have fallen for for you. I was too afraid. Too afraid that you didn’t feel the same. Too afraid that everything was a joke to you, as always. That I was a joke to you. And now I guess I don’t really care. And now I wish that you knew. I wish that between those months of constant communication it crossed your mind that you are special to me and that I love you. I hope you hold on to that guess. Coz it’s true. I love you Francis and I know you will laugh on this. I wish you realize that I felt that way between those months. Hello, you’re the only one I allowed to call me by my second name. You’re the only one I spent hours and hours texting with. To the extent that I even volunteered to be your “karamay” during your insomniac nights. And you actually know how much of a sucker am I in sleeping. You even called “sleep queen”. I miss you calling me out on names I never knew existed. I miss you trying to piss me off. I miss you Francis. I miss being called “Liz”. I miss the “muah”. I love you and I don’t know if you feel or felt the same or if you ever felt something for me. I miss you and this is the best and worst feeling I felt for the past months. I miss you, I miss being happy because of you. Because I know you’re there. And I know it’s not the same anymore but I still wish you would know. I love you Francis.

Liz