dear you.

i'm crying like crazy right now. i hate myself sooo much it feels like I never felt this way before to anyone who has wronged me. not even you. and I need you to be here. I really really do. I need to see you. I have to hear your voice. I need that silent stare you give me. I just need you right now Myke. I'm falling into pieces again and this isn't about him but pretty much something you've always known about me. Something I told you some 5 to 7 years ago. I hate to tell you this but these are the same issues you used to comfort me before.

>As promised to Michael (yes, my ex) before he went back to Manila after the break that if I ever get to recover this entry it would get published. And as I warned him, I didn't finish this entry because while I was doing this I was crying and since writing/blogging to me is a relief I stopped when the tears stopped falling. :D

P.S. I wish we don't have to be very honest or vocal with each other. It's crazy how there is zero amount of awkwardness between us. I'm not saying that it's required because the society of exES dictates so but you know, okayy.. I can hear you say "So what Kaye? What is this fuss about? HAHA! " It's just that there should be. But I think it's full of drama and we both are allergic to that. So, yes, we are okay. :D And I'm happy with it.

hijacked by the president

Lala and I are attending the conference which our teacher required us to attend and coined as "Hijacked by the President". This could have been a relevant topic had he NOT been the speaker@ MY GAHD!!!! RH Bill! I can see some more sensible Philo and RS teachers who could better discuss this even in the class in the vicinity. Ofcourse now the classic docu of the "Miracle of Life" . Seriously Man, this is in NO WAY can called a forum. He's the only one speaking and we are in the Sacred Heart Chapel. HAH!! I'm sooo sck of this docu, I'e watched this twice way back in 2006 when I was still the struggling, grumpy and frustrated Nursing student in SU. GAHD. I watched this twice, first was for Gen Psych and the secondwas for Bio33. DUH! And he even probed the audience to answer his question earlier with the clue as "a tadpole looking" ! Seriously!??! Oh well, we won't be seeing him tomorrow for our supposedly class schedule. Good thing. I really wanna leave now but ugh, Yabz chose to sit beside the Beadle so... Yo figure. Anyway, babush!!! :D

For once.

For once I want to stop analyzing, assessing and rearraging my thoughts about us because it makes me sick to the stomach trying to justify to myself why we had to leave each other hanging there.

nyek! :D

Today I realized that when you decide to stop hurting each other, loving each other more doesn't always follow. hai. :/

cdo

It's almost 4 in the morning and I still can't bring myself to sleep. I had to be ready by 7 am later because we (me and Heidrian) have to leave CdO by 9am or earlier. Today(yesterday rather) was a day of i-cant-point-a finger-to day. And I mean this is a liberating day. :DDDD
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I'm sick to my stomach now and like I told Adrian -i dunno why-. Could it be that I think I spent more than I should (not really, hehe.) ? That we had super uber duper late lunch (which by the way wasn't so good I think but oh well the place looked really nice so sige ya lang)? (4pm) late even for merienda. That I think too much lately? That I cloud my head with things that should and shouldn't be there? That we watched Sayo Lamang which made my friend cry every 10 mins and me for the rest second half of the movie? Or was it because what I have seen that was not any less unreal now than it was just over a year ago or so? Then boom! like one big ball of fire which you will have NO idea came from will come across you and stare at you saying "ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY" man this is sooo real so get a head on! Which makes me sad a bit but not really coz I still feel glad about them. How things changed and how it tries to get better on one side. hai. D: GAHD! Or my big nostrils inhaled too much oxygen taking its toll to my stomach by stacking up there. HAI! Or could this be the result of taking vitamins and meds(mefenamic acid which I'm theorizing caused my uber yucky urticaria all over my face and neck area! ) in short intervals today? HAH!!! come on Man, I seriously need to get to one thing. Just one thing to reveal to me among those I've mentioned above or even none of those. I just need one! ONLY one then I guess I could drag myself to sleep! Anyway, it's amost 4 am dawn and I've set my alarm by 6 so that we could do everything we have to do before leaving. I.E. ----> B pastel for the people back home who are somehow led to believe that anyone who goes to cdo must bring pastel when one gets home or just don't go home at all. HAHAH! :DD except for our folks of course they wil always want us around. Going back, I think I'm gonna pass on sleeping today coz I still have to be up by 6 and the Emperor (AHAHH! Yes, there are too many names here) told me to wake him up by 7 and by then it was very clearly he said that I should have taken a bath by then already so that we could by 8 to buy Pastel and head to the Bus Terminal so that we could ride the earliest bus we could reach for Pagadian. hmmmm..... I'm not sooo sick to my stomach anymore. I'm not burping as much now and duh! I think I'm still gonna sleep! hahaha! :D
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On sleeping. I have been in one room for the past few days with two of my guy friends because we participated at a debate competition here in CdO which I think in my not-soooo-humble opinion, we fared or the guys (Myser and Adrian) fared really really well. They impressed, wowed and gained praises (i.e. outfit since opening night, hehhehe!) the Chief Adjudicator Woman of the World no less than Danielle de Castro. Back to sleeping. Amongst us three, I sleep the latest and wake up the latest too so basically I see them asleep and MAN! What a site to behold! Not that they look funny or anything. It's just that when you look at them sleeping it feels like you are outside the nursery for the newly born only our room is smaller and the bed is bigger and also there's no glass to veer me from them. They look like babies. SERIOUSLY! (although I know Heid will completely disagree with me on Mys looking like a baby when he is asleep but I'm just sooo sure) They sleep so peacefully that you would think they are having their first dreams ever as babies. hahah! they are that cute. Amazing how they don't in any way distort their faces when they are sooooo into the DREAMLAND. Does it take practice? I really don't know and I haven't asked them too. I would have love to prove it by posting photos of them sleeping cause I have them. BUT! They might kill me! On the other hand they wouldn't this anyway. ahhahaha! :D I'm really sleeping now At last I don't feel sad anymore. Singing on my head " Put a smile on you face. Make the world a better place (Insert note icon here, hehe!)" Imma na sleep now! :D

sudden rush of P.I. ness!

Here I go again. I don't wanna write about you Myke. I didn't want to write about you anymore for the longest time that I have been blogging. But yesterday when out of the blue Hazey ( myfriend, I think you met her when you were still here. yes, that pretty and nice girl :D) told me that she checked out my blog and really liked the entry that was meant for you but I knew you will never get to read, I.. I dunno. I went out of my senses again. AGAIN by you, by anything that resonates about you and me. And it makes me sick Myke, It makes me feel like I never really got to where I was suppose to be when you left, when you CHOSE to leave because you think it's for the best. Because you BELIEVED it was what WE needed but you never really asked me what I needed. It makes me sick, makes me wanna puke at myself. I checked the entry and oh MAN! OH MAN it absofuckinglutely dragged me to those days again. Those days when I didn't know where to start, how and why should I start fixing myself and get a move on, not necessarily get over you because then, many years ago it seemed impossible, it was like building castles in the sky. The thought of getting over you was like removing a part of me, in a literal sense it's like getting me amputated. I didn't want to get over you Myke, I never wanted to. And , and I don't wanna finish this entry anymore. Coz every word only takes me two steps back to where we were before, to the memories and I HATE IT! I HATE IT coz it's unfair and I don't wanna be the one to take all the bitchiness of the world anymore. Between the two of us I felt like I was the one the world have been throwing its punches to when it realized how much MESS we made out of breaking each other, not jut each other's hearts. Because honestly Myke, it wasn't just my heart that you broke. It was the Kaye that I've made myself to be, to last with Myke for as long as we live. And I wanna end this entry by telling you that.

LOST.

I really don't know what to write about now. Meaning, I don't know where to start and what to start with. I don't wanna rant but I feel like I'm going there now. At the rate of my confusion on what and how to feel right now, I know I will be ranting the following sentences.

I have four articles to write for our SLA publication proposal. In our PR class of 14 students and one beautifully crazy teacher (Sir Kiko Miranda), we have this 3 cycle challenge to come up and present PR Strategies for the campaign to boost the School of Liberal Arts to which MassCom Department belongs. ANYWAY, first challenge was to come up with a brochure with the goal of boosting the morale of the SLA students. We lost. That was okay since we didn't really hit the target and the group who won, really really deserve it. Second challenge was the poster. We lost again. Okay, BUT not really. The point system of the previous 2 challenges were kind of inconsistent. I'm sure most if not all in our class would agree. This is a non-issue really coz oh well, they deserve the win of second and first. Since the winner of the 3 cycle challenge will have 100 as in 100 as their final grade for the Midterm Exam. MY GOSH! :D That's practically 2/3 of your Midterm grade and 1/3 of the final grade. And since we lost the first two challenges, we have to super duper uber double the effort to come up with an extremely WINNER SLA Newspaper. There are only 4 of us in the group and seriously only 3 are working as a team and for the team. GAHD. Going back to the articles I have to write which not even one of them do I have my head on where to start. I really dunno! D:

1. Buwan ng Wika (Absolutely LOST! NO idea at all! ALL I know about it now is what everyone who studied in the country knows about it. AND that the winner for the Choral Speech last year is the class where a friend belongs.)

2. Something about INTS (International Studies, I've already set an interview with Ma'am Ruth tomorrow which I hint will turn to be a chikathon, hahaha! )

3. SLA Acquaintance Party (I super enjoooyeeedd!!!!! :DD *still grins* )


4. OJT experience. (Lemme get this clear, I LOOOVE my OJT experience. I adore my employer companies; Manila Times, ABS-CBN >> TV Patrol and DZMM Manila. But Man ohh Man, I've already outgrown writing OJT journals. I mean after 2 summers, 3 media outfit, 3 different call times, 3 different bosses, I've really totally moved on from my OJT journals. GOSH! And here I am again. Will try to gather all my objectiveness of all that happened. hayyy..

THESIS: A Content Analysis on the Occult Symbols
found in the selected Music Videos
of Lady Gaga

Wheeewww!! :D I don't wanna rant about it now. MIGHT. NOT. END. >> the ranting.


hmmmphhh.. There! I think and feel that I've released a good amount of negaNESS.
Thank you blogger that you exist!

and by the way, the publication will have to be presented by MONDAY next week! that is 4 days from now. Lord, help us. PLEASE. :D

just in :D

I know this isn't a very nice follow-up of a blog entry. But I just have to let this out somewhere. I posted this a while back in FB but the moment it reached the news feed of a friend, he PMed saying it wouldn't make things better. I wieghed in less then 3 minutes and then conceded. He's right. thnak you Heid. and then I realized that my main contention in writing the post was just to let the feeling and what I thought about it OUT. It didn't necessarily have to be Facebook where almost everyone is kept tab on almost everyone in their friends list too. So I figured since I have a blog and I'm the only one who's conscious of its existence then I got an outlet right here. :D
Note: the following entry is my reaction to what happened and not in anyway a repitition of story-telling of what happened. In the future to make things clearer, I will spill it out here. Yes, including the details. :D

Thank you.


And also, what I wrote can't be copied and paste. I decided to take a picture of it as what I saved in my documents.

Brighter than sunshine

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
and it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ..

So this is one of my all-time favorite songs. Don't get me wrong here, I am not in any intimate boy-girl relationship right now or for the past 3 years since then but I really really love the song. I'm sharing this because I'm a kind of none-favorite type of person. Meaning, unlike most people who have favorite color, favorite food, favorite singer, favorite cartoon character etc, the list goes on. I'm not inclined to having favorites in almost every little thing. Except for this song! My Gosh! I can't and will never get over this song. I can listen to it for the rest of the day even if it means I will have a herd time dozing off to sleep. Rest of my life even! Seriously! Actually I'm listening to it while writing this. I can't even put a finger on why I L-O-V-E this song. Kaye loves this song. This is THE favorite among the roster and type of songs that I listen to. I won't even enumerate the reasons why I'm just head over heels about this because even if I do and the list will go on and on and on like that it wouldn't suffice the reason behind me LOVING this!

Oky, I'll try.

1. Brighter than sunshine.

>> The title for me is so cool! It gives the feeling of unlimited limits! Right? What could be brighter than SUNSHINE??

But still, it's more than the title.

2. The lyrics.

>> The lyrics is simple, innocent, straight forward ( in tagalog, "wala nang patumpik2 pa!"), and how do I say this? cute, lambing in a way of surrender.

More, more points coz this ain't just enough.

3. The Melody.

>> the development of the music is just right. Fitting, crisp, not too slow, not too excited to reach the peak, not too complacent either, just right for everything to blend in. GAHD! This is it!

4. The name of the band who sang it. (Is it a band? I'm not even sure.:P) AQUALUNG

>> Diba? It's sooooo COOOLLL!!!!

Anyway, I know the list will go on and still it wouldn't be enough to reason out why this song just makes me.. Oh well, me. :)) HAPPY!

RE. AGAIN. RESTART. REBOOTING NOW: kayewrayts

Me and YABZ. I will spill her name next time. For now, puke on these faces! HAHAH! :P

I don't know. I don't know so many things. I don't know so many things about myself. I don't know how to wake up early on a daily basis. I don't know how to doze off early enough to get a good enough sleep. I don't know why I am so lazy. ( Okay maybe I do, but my back-up reasons are just not enough.) I don't know why Pareng Antok seems to be avoiding me during the times when I am SUPPOSE to sleep because I have a 9am internship duty tomorrow. I don't why I seem to be having so much fun laughing. Laughing with other people, at other people, at myself and all by myself thinking of other people and thinking of my past-self. GAHD. and this! I don't even know why I'm continuing this silly,whimsical,child-like post when I know from the very first syllable this is already a totally new addition to my bunch of junky notes or thoughts. I don't know why I can't help but stare at people! I KNOW IT IS RUDE! But I just can't help it, I know I'm staring but I don't know that I'm so absofuckinglutely obvious that my Yabz is starting to think that I don't have social manners. (Ma, I know! I know that one of the most vital things you tried to impart to me when I was still your toddler was "manners" in so many sense. And I could still clearly remember that you told me it's rude to stare. I'm sorry.) So now, I don't really know how to do it but I will try to be very aware of my eyes' functions and directions at a given time so that before I my subliminal could psyche me into staring I already stopped myself CONSCIOUSLY. wooh! I'm ranting. THAT! I know. I'm ranting because I don't know so many things. I'm 20, turning 21 almost 5 months from now and I'm so full of this I don't know crap about myself. I don't why I'm stressing on this.

But there's one thing I know though.

(I miss blogging. NAKS! Palakas sa blogspot chuva! HAHAH!) I miss this!

And so I resolve.....

Even though I know I'm not a brilliant writer I will continue to write and write and write just like the old times. I don't even know if I can be called a "writer" in its strictest, purest, most understood and accepted sense but I will continue to use the power of the written word to whatever and however it will be useful to me and to the world. :P

Yes, I am a Rizallian. (Oopsss! not that "cult" for Rizal thingy okay?) I believe that the pen is mightier than the sword. I believe in the power of the written word. :))

So this entry is definitely a RESTART. Welcome me again! :P