rrr.

So this is how it feels. This is how it feels like to be wanting, needing and missing someone and not being able to tell the person.

late, i know

Dear Francis,

I miss you. I miss the kitikitext days, weeks and months. When we never ran out of things to tell each other even if we knew how routinary our lives were then. I miss you. I miss laughing alone in front of my friends because in the middle of our exchange of texts you blurted out something funny, because you told me something you did that was totally hilarious, because you’re being an asshole or just because. I miss you Francis, I never thought missing someone this much could be possible or could happen to me with you. I miss you. I miss not sleeping till the last energy of my body knocks down because we spent the whole day texting, I miss sleeping thru our exchange, I miss you calling me out on a “K.O.” coz I slept on you while texting. I miss you. I miss worrying whether or not to load. I miss the tingles you send thru my spine when out of the blue you say something that is soo un-you which by the way swept me off my feet, held me breathless for a couple of seconds, held me still in the middle of nowhere. I miss you badly and I know this wouldn’t change a thing. This wouldn’t change how we are now. I don’t know what exactly did we have. Or did we ever have something that we can call was ours alone that time or I’m hoping, wishing and prayng till now. I know that even if you read this now, you will laugh this off. I know because you asked me several times before and the coward that I was could never bring out the words, the coward took over and confronted you with he Liz who only wanted to get away from that conversation and I’m sorry. I’m sorry coz I never told you how I really felt or I was too late to realize that I have fallen for for you. I was too afraid. Too afraid that you didn’t feel the same. Too afraid that everything was a joke to you, as always. That I was a joke to you. And now I guess I don’t really care. And now I wish that you knew. I wish that between those months of constant communication it crossed your mind that you are special to me and that I love you. I hope you hold on to that guess. Coz it’s true. I love you Francis and I know you will laugh on this. I wish you realize that I felt that way between those months. Hello, you’re the only one I allowed to call me by my second name. You’re the only one I spent hours and hours texting with. To the extent that I even volunteered to be your “karamay” during your insomniac nights. And you actually know how much of a sucker am I in sleeping. You even called “sleep queen”. I miss you calling me out on names I never knew existed. I miss you trying to piss me off. I miss you Francis. I miss being called “Liz”. I miss the “muah”. I love you and I don’t know if you feel or felt the same or if you ever felt something for me. I miss you and this is the best and worst feeling I felt for the past months. I miss you, I miss being happy because of you. Because I know you’re there. And I know it’s not the same anymore but I still wish you would know. I love you Francis.

Liz

dear you.

i'm crying like crazy right now. i hate myself sooo much it feels like I never felt this way before to anyone who has wronged me. not even you. and I need you to be here. I really really do. I need to see you. I have to hear your voice. I need that silent stare you give me. I just need you right now Myke. I'm falling into pieces again and this isn't about him but pretty much something you've always known about me. Something I told you some 5 to 7 years ago. I hate to tell you this but these are the same issues you used to comfort me before.

>As promised to Michael (yes, my ex) before he went back to Manila after the break that if I ever get to recover this entry it would get published. And as I warned him, I didn't finish this entry because while I was doing this I was crying and since writing/blogging to me is a relief I stopped when the tears stopped falling. :D

P.S. I wish we don't have to be very honest or vocal with each other. It's crazy how there is zero amount of awkwardness between us. I'm not saying that it's required because the society of exES dictates so but you know, okayy.. I can hear you say "So what Kaye? What is this fuss about? HAHA! " It's just that there should be. But I think it's full of drama and we both are allergic to that. So, yes, we are okay. :D And I'm happy with it.

hijacked by the president

Lala and I are attending the conference which our teacher required us to attend and coined as "Hijacked by the President". This could have been a relevant topic had he NOT been the speaker@ MY GAHD!!!! RH Bill! I can see some more sensible Philo and RS teachers who could better discuss this even in the class in the vicinity. Ofcourse now the classic docu of the "Miracle of Life" . Seriously Man, this is in NO WAY can called a forum. He's the only one speaking and we are in the Sacred Heart Chapel. HAH!! I'm sooo sck of this docu, I'e watched this twice way back in 2006 when I was still the struggling, grumpy and frustrated Nursing student in SU. GAHD. I watched this twice, first was for Gen Psych and the secondwas for Bio33. DUH! And he even probed the audience to answer his question earlier with the clue as "a tadpole looking" ! Seriously!??! Oh well, we won't be seeing him tomorrow for our supposedly class schedule. Good thing. I really wanna leave now but ugh, Yabz chose to sit beside the Beadle so... Yo figure. Anyway, babush!!! :D

For once.

For once I want to stop analyzing, assessing and rearraging my thoughts about us because it makes me sick to the stomach trying to justify to myself why we had to leave each other hanging there.

nyek! :D

Today I realized that when you decide to stop hurting each other, loving each other more doesn't always follow. hai. :/

cdo

It's almost 4 in the morning and I still can't bring myself to sleep. I had to be ready by 7 am later because we (me and Heidrian) have to leave CdO by 9am or earlier. Today(yesterday rather) was a day of i-cant-point-a finger-to day. And I mean this is a liberating day. :DDDD
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I'm sick to my stomach now and like I told Adrian -i dunno why-. Could it be that I think I spent more than I should (not really, hehe.) ? That we had super uber duper late lunch (which by the way wasn't so good I think but oh well the place looked really nice so sige ya lang)? (4pm) late even for merienda. That I think too much lately? That I cloud my head with things that should and shouldn't be there? That we watched Sayo Lamang which made my friend cry every 10 mins and me for the rest second half of the movie? Or was it because what I have seen that was not any less unreal now than it was just over a year ago or so? Then boom! like one big ball of fire which you will have NO idea came from will come across you and stare at you saying "ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY" man this is sooo real so get a head on! Which makes me sad a bit but not really coz I still feel glad about them. How things changed and how it tries to get better on one side. hai. D: GAHD! Or my big nostrils inhaled too much oxygen taking its toll to my stomach by stacking up there. HAI! Or could this be the result of taking vitamins and meds(mefenamic acid which I'm theorizing caused my uber yucky urticaria all over my face and neck area! ) in short intervals today? HAH!!! come on Man, I seriously need to get to one thing. Just one thing to reveal to me among those I've mentioned above or even none of those. I just need one! ONLY one then I guess I could drag myself to sleep! Anyway, it's amost 4 am dawn and I've set my alarm by 6 so that we could do everything we have to do before leaving. I.E. ----> B pastel for the people back home who are somehow led to believe that anyone who goes to cdo must bring pastel when one gets home or just don't go home at all. HAHAH! :DD except for our folks of course they wil always want us around. Going back, I think I'm gonna pass on sleeping today coz I still have to be up by 6 and the Emperor (AHAHH! Yes, there are too many names here) told me to wake him up by 7 and by then it was very clearly he said that I should have taken a bath by then already so that we could by 8 to buy Pastel and head to the Bus Terminal so that we could ride the earliest bus we could reach for Pagadian. hmmmm..... I'm not sooo sick to my stomach anymore. I'm not burping as much now and duh! I think I'm still gonna sleep! hahaha! :D
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On sleeping. I have been in one room for the past few days with two of my guy friends because we participated at a debate competition here in CdO which I think in my not-soooo-humble opinion, we fared or the guys (Myser and Adrian) fared really really well. They impressed, wowed and gained praises (i.e. outfit since opening night, hehhehe!) the Chief Adjudicator Woman of the World no less than Danielle de Castro. Back to sleeping. Amongst us three, I sleep the latest and wake up the latest too so basically I see them asleep and MAN! What a site to behold! Not that they look funny or anything. It's just that when you look at them sleeping it feels like you are outside the nursery for the newly born only our room is smaller and the bed is bigger and also there's no glass to veer me from them. They look like babies. SERIOUSLY! (although I know Heid will completely disagree with me on Mys looking like a baby when he is asleep but I'm just sooo sure) They sleep so peacefully that you would think they are having their first dreams ever as babies. hahah! they are that cute. Amazing how they don't in any way distort their faces when they are sooooo into the DREAMLAND. Does it take practice? I really don't know and I haven't asked them too. I would have love to prove it by posting photos of them sleeping cause I have them. BUT! They might kill me! On the other hand they wouldn't this anyway. ahhahaha! :D I'm really sleeping now At last I don't feel sad anymore. Singing on my head " Put a smile on you face. Make the world a better place (Insert note icon here, hehe!)" Imma na sleep now! :D